I broke down at work today...

…and I don’t feel proud about it.

My boss talked to me about the mistakes and stupid things that I have been doing over the past couple of weeks.

I apologised. In the same breath, I broke down.

As I burst into tears, I explained that I have been thinking about my grandfather a lot.

Last week, he was told that he has full blown Motor Neuron. The doctors told us that his breathing could fail him within 4 months.

I explained that he got out of hospital last week and now we are spoon-feeding him like a new-born baby. He can’t eat solid foods and everything has to have this “Thickener” in it.

I keep having thoughts about what he was like this time last year…he was walking (granted, he was using 1 walking stick), he could feed himself and was a (for the most part) a healthy man.

Since his admission to the Mater in April, he has come out with a walking frame, Motor Neuoropthy (sp?) (which is 1 of many different types of Motor Neuron) and his diet, medicine has changed.

When I was away to England for my birthday, the Sunday that I was gone, he was admitted to Cavan hospital to have a bag installed to pass urine…When I heard the news, it was the first major realisation that “This is happening…This is really happening to my grandfather and it doesn’t look like that it is going to get better at any stage”.

A couple of weeks after I got back, he was having respiratory issues and was admitted and spent 2 weeks in Cavan hospital. Last Friday, he was released from the hospital which brings us up to now. Now, I am helping my mother and father to put him to bed as he can’t get into bed without any assistance. He literally has no power in his legs to do anything…..

It has hit me pretty hard and has affected me very heavily as nothing like this has ever happened in my family. I live with my parents and my grandfather. I never met my other grand parents…they died before I was born. I only know my grandfather as being my only grandparent and the thought of him leaving us seems….far fetched.

I hate myself that this is affecting my attitude at work. I never intend on giving a bad or negative impression to ANYONE…I have never wanted to spread negativity to customers, but it seems to be happening.

I continued to cry it out for a good half hour afterwards before I could work up a courage to go back to work.

I know I am not the only person to go through this situation, but since this is a first for me, it has affected me in a major way and I thought I would express how I was feeling.